As we practiced this drama I realized I was that girl, the one who gives her heart away.
I was deceived. Just as Eve in Genesis 3, I was convinced that although God had good plans for me, he was holding out. I believed there were some things I could not get from obedience and relationship with him.
Just as the girl did with the guitar, I traded God's love for value based on things I did.
I looked for acceptance from others in the way I looked.
I tried to find unconditional love from a relationship with a guy.
And my heart was broken.
Just as it was in that drama, a relationship with a man tore my heart apart.
I'd love to be able to tell you this happened a long time ago, but sadly this lie I was living with followed me.
It followed me as I began a deeper personal relationship with God and committed my life to following him.
It followed me into my career in teaching.
It followed me after I was baptized.
It even followed me as I left behind work and friends and family to follow God's plan and leadership in my life.
It was only two years ago that I gave my heart to a man. At the time I knew God. I was serious about pursuing him and his purpose for my life. I knew God loved me, but I had not experienced it. I knew it in my head, but I didn't believe it in my heart.
And so I felt there was a piece of my life that only a man could fill.
It started out so good. Someone had finally noticed me. I felt valued and appreciated. Precious to someone.
But as time went on our imperfections got in the way of loving each other as is often the case in romantic relationships.
The relationship fell apart and I was crushed. I wanted to make excuses for the way things had changed because I had become so dependent on his love and affection in the place of God's love in my life. I wanted so badly to be in a relationship.
I cried out to God and He helped me draw a line because he is a God who wants healthy relationships for His children.
"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." ~Mark 12:30-31 (NIV)In the end we couldn't hold it together.
As I picked up the pieces of my broken heart I spent a lot of time asking God what had gone wrong. Was it me? Was I too needy? Was I not pretty, or smart, or funny enough? Had I said or done something wrong?
Where was the lesson and the good that I could get from this experience? For God promises:
…in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~Romans 8:28 (NIV)Then God showed me a glimpse of myself in a relationship. Not the relationship with this man I had dated, but with God Himself.
I didn't share and confide in Him and listen for His response.
I didn't spend much time with Him.
I didn't trust Him.
When it all came down to it I was not loving Him.
God showed me His response to my imperfections which got in the way of our relationship:
…neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ~Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)God's love for me was so big that he would never walk away. That unconditional love I desired had been there for me to dip into all along, for God doesn't just have love for me, he IS love.
There is a scripture often read at weddings, but I like to read it replacing the word "love" with "God":
As I have accepted this love, God has been challenging me to explore it and experience it. To take it out of my head and place it in my heart. I have been meditating on Ephesians 3:16-19 in a few different translations of the bible (New International Version, Amplified Version, New King James Version, The Message, and the New Living Translation). This is what stood out to me most from each translation mixed all together:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. ~1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)
God's love strengthens you with glorious inner strength as the Holy Spirit is invited to live in you and your personality. Through faith Christ abides in you. You can grow strong roots down into God's love. And when you are founded securely on this love you can grasp, as all of God's chosen people should, the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the width! Test the length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! So that you will know experientially Christ's love, though it is too great to fully understand. And in that knowing you will be made complete, wholly filled and flooded with God Himself. Ephesians 3:16-19 (NIV, AMP, NKJV, MSG, NLT)The more I understand with my heart, the more I can use his love to love others. As Paul writes about in his letter to the Ephesians:
Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. ~Ephesians 5:1-2 (NIV)I love differently now. In my relationships God shows me how he would love each person if I take the time to ask him. And let me tell you, I can love so much bigger than I could before. It's incredible!
So I challenge you:
If you have experienced God's love--don't stop testing it's dimensions, you will find there is no limit!
If you know God's love in your head, but not your heart--seek that experience!
If you have not yet experienced this kind of love find a group, grab a bible, or rest in a quiet spot of beauty and ask God to reveal it to you.
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