How I see me...

I've always believed that clothing is a great way to tell your story. ~Carson Kressley 

This is a story about me and my clothing.

I've always had this desire within me to have the things I wear on the outside look a certain way.  My mom tells me that when I was little I used to change my clothes multiple times a day leaving little puddles of dresses and t-shirts all over my bedroom floor.  I remember wailing "I have nothing to wear!" ten minutes before the school bus was supposed to arrive and feeling like this was a life altering catastrophe.

What I've chosen to cover the outside of me has often reflected what was going on inside me.  I find myself buying less expensive items because I don't feel as though I'm worth the cost.  Settling for good enough, and ending up feeling uncomfortable when I try to put things together.

I find myself desiring comfortable clothes, when really what I am seeking is comfort in who I am.

All dressed up for church on our second day in India.

When we travelled to India the girls and I needed to purchase new outfits there so that we were culturally appropriate for our time of ministry.  As the garments we needed to wear were lightweight, comfortable, modest, and beautifully colourful we were all looking forward to our Indian shopping trip.  We had no idea what we were in for!

On our arrival day in India, our team set out to find our clothing for the month.  It was a family trip, our whole team of five Canadians and one Australian piled into the auto rickshaw along with our Indian hosts and their two young children.  Did I mention we had just spent 18 hours flying, with an 18 hour layover and 3 hours driving before setting out on this trip?

Upon entering the store all eyes were on us as we made our way past the counters and shelves and up a couple flights of stairs to the area of the store with "ready-made" outfits.  We walked up to the counter and the three or four staff immediately began pulling packages off the shelves and removing the tunic-like tops from the wrapping.

Thoughts began swirling through my head as I tried to remember what colours I liked (and looked best on me), what combination of colours I liked, how much "bejewelling" and embroidery I wanted, while at the

Feeling mosquito bitten and plain next to
beautiful young women like this lovely student.

same time doing the 51 rupees to the Canadian dollar price conversion in my head and thinking of all my supporters at home who had generously contributed my clothing budget.

After much debate I thought I had picked three suitable outfits of baggy pants, light scarf, and top.  One of the other girls recommended trying them on, but I didn't anticipate any trouble-they looked like the kind of clothes that would fit anyone.  In the change-room it was another story...all my insecurities came bubbling to the surface.  Half the pants didn't seem to fit and the ones that did seemed to be made for someone much larger than me.  In Canada, no problem, just get a different size...but there were no other sizes and so I had to start all over again.

This time as I approached the counter I could feel the tears well behind my eyes as I had to turn back so many beautiful clothes because I knew they wouldn't fit or they were too expensive for my small budget.  I just wanted to get out of there!  This was not the shopping trip I had been dreaming of.

The girls and I dressed up in saris.

Each time I got dressed I was reminded of this struggle and because I was already in that negative thought pattern each imperfection seemed to stand out even more...frizzy hair, dark circles under my eyes, mosquito bites all over my face....I felt anything but beautiful.  I looked at the other girls in their gorgeous outfits and tried to hide my own disappointment about the clothing I had settled for.  I mean after all, they were just clothes right?  It's what's inside that counts....so I laid it all out in my quiet time with God.  In my journal I wrote, "I don't want to base my happiness on my looks and I want to see my beauty more clearly."

Let me tell you, when God answers prayer he does it fully.  I realized that part of the reason I was so self conscious about my looks was that I was struggling with a need to be noticed and recognized.  On one of the days I had the opportunity to dress up in a gorgeous sari and I felt like the princess I always dreamed I was as a little girl.  I got words of encouragement from our host "mom" Hepsibah that I was beautiful and that I did not need to be afraid because God is with me (noticing and recognizing me every day).

Being myself with the kids at the
church build in Mexico last November.

I discovered part of the reason I love working with children so much is because I feel like they see the real
me.  I can trust them and I don't need to guard myself.  Slowly God helped me peel back those layers and masks I had created to let the real me shine through all the time.

I listened to sermons each day as part of my devotional time and one in particular resonated so much.  It talked about how each of us is a letter about the power of God working in our lives, a letter worth reading because it is a letter written by God's Spirit.  Each of us is a letter of God's grace, power and his message to the world.  There is nothing more valuable than me, than each one of us because we each hold that unique letter, a treasure kept in the clay pot of our imperfect earthly bodies.  This sermon reminded me that I was noticed, recognized and valuable...I no longer believed the lies that let me hold myself back because I felt unimportant.

You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody.  You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink, but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts. 2 Corinthians 3:2-3

Before we returned to Canada, we did a little shopping for gifts to bring home.  I prayed about what I should buy and who it should be for.  Through this prayer, I knew in my heart I had to brave clothing shopping again, but this time there would be no settling for second best.  I was to buy an outfit that allowed me to show the me inside without insecurity, without any doubt of my own beauty or value as a daughter of my king Jesus.

Modelling the green and purple outfit at the
students' DTS graduation with my dad.

We went to a different store this time, and I could feel my fears and insecurities trying to push through again. I heard a voice in my head reminding me that I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) and as we approached the counter a bright emerald green tunic caught my eye.  They pulled it out for me and it was so much more beautiful than any other I had seen, with dark purple pants to go along with it.  I picked one other one to try on to make sure the pants would fit...first try was unsuccessful and I almost felt like giving up, but I knew God had exchanged my ashes for beauty (Isaiah 61:3).  When I tried on the green and purple clothes they fit perfectly and I could feel myself beaming from within.

I read a quote from Pascal Mercier that said, "To understand yourself: is that a discovery or a creation?"  I think for me it's a discovery of the potential God has placed within me, the letter written on my heart.  As my understanding of myself builds as I discover more about this potential, it is up to me to let the Holy Spirit create in and through me.  What a beautiful process and though I still have my ups and downs, it feels great to have those layers peeled away and to feel the sun warm my skin with God's perfect love.